bill gate's iphone is missing

bill gate's iphone is missing

In an emergency pop-up message appeared on all Microsoft Windows machines earlier today. Popping up on the screen every 25 seconds, this new pop-up, like every other Windows alert, was designed with the sole intention of annoying the user enough that they would have no choice but to read it fully.

The message was a request from Microsoft chairman and former CEO Bill Gates. It read: "Hello Windows patrons! I really, really need your help. And you have to listen to me, because this pop-up will not go away until I get what I want."

The intrusive pop-up prompted the user to go on to the next page, which displayed a large photo of an iPhone. Vista users were told to click "Properties", select "Run as Administrator", and work their way through a series of more annoying pop-ups before continuing. A caption below the picture read: "I lost my iPhone during a jog this morning. If you or anyone you know has any information pertaining to the whereabouts of my incredibly reliable Apple device, please restart your computers, tap "F12" to get to the safe mode options, choose one of the safe mode options, log-in as the administrator, wait for the desktop to load completely, and click anywhere on the screen to summon the inevitable Blue Screen of Death. That'll be the indication to our Microsoft office that you have information about my missing iPhone. Thank you!"

We asked Mr. Gates if any progress had been made in his search, and if his company's latest annoying pop-up had been successful in aiding him.

"So far, no luck," said the beneficent billionaire. "You won't believe this, but apparently, every Windows user has received a Blue Screen of Death at some point today, regardless of whether they're participating in the search or not. It's been a pretty frustrating process."

When asked why he owns devices made by Apple, Microsoft's biggest competitor, Gates responded, "Because Microsoft sucks."

"Yep, we suck," agreed Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. "I think our customers have gotten accustomed to how much we fall behind Apple in terms of quality products and customer service. I can't blame Bill for purchasing and using their products. I eat apples all the time. Out of respect to the company. And because an apple a day helps keep the doctors away."

"It's not medically accurate that apples alone keep people healthy," noted Dr. James Hernandez, MD PhD. "But Apple products are so sleek and cutting-edge that they distract customers enough from their own infirmities. So, in a sense, 'apples' do help keep you from doctors."

Bill Gates told us that his iPhone "means the world" to him, and that the only thing that matters to him more in life is "a whole lotta money". He also revealed that he's close to finishing his research on a time travel machine that would allow him to go back to 1976, punch Apple co-founder Steve Jobs square in the face, and take control of the then-fledgling company.

"This won't help me get my precious missing iPhone back," admits Gates, "but owning Apple would beat the crap out of any of my Microsoft ideas."

We all agree.

And, please, if you happen to find Bill Gates' missing iPhone, keep it. Especially if you're a long-suffering Windows user.

You deserve it.